Being Negative Costs You

Being Negative Costs you

There is a group I belong to and in this group, I have observed the attitude of a lady whom I consider to be unconscious. This lady is quick to attack. The first day I joined the group, she displayed an act that got me thinking why she would do what she did. As time went on, I saw that she had an issue. She feels attacked when a harmless statement is made about what she ought to have done or what she has done. Before you know it, she has gone into a state of defensiveness and she attacks. One day, I was assessing how she carried out an assignment given to her by the group and trying to communicate how she would have gone about her assignment in a better manner so as to be more effective. In doing this, I was not in any way confrontational but the lady started reacting while I was speaking. At a particular point, the leader of the group had to remind her that she ought to listen while her assignment was being assessed. After the meeting of the group, she approached me saying, “So you were attacking me.” By then and even now I write this, I do not even remember what I said while I was assessing the assignment she carried out. I expressed my thought and that was it. But for this lady, I had attacked her. She wanted to make an issue out of it after which she would blame me for the issue. But when I told her, “If you do not want me to assess the way you carry out your assignment, I will not do that again,” she replied that she had been joking. I knew that was a lie because she had been serious. In fact, her telling me that she had been joking was another form of defense by her ego. A younger lady who was with me then voiced out that there was nothing wrong with what I had said during the meeting. This very lady immediately came under attack by the other lady. She was attacked with series of questions. Something in the older lady got unleashed on this younger lady so much that the next day, when the younger lady greeted her, her response was, “So it is now you are seeing me. You better not continue with this your attitude…” She went on. All this started because the younger lady greeted her, “Good morning.”

Another lady in another group I had belonged felt really alive bringing other people down including me, maybe particularly me. She was not the leader of the group but was trying very hard to dominate the members. Of course, the result of this was resistance from members. The more members resisted, the more she found something wrong with members and not with herself, the more overbearing she became.

For these two ladies, I perceived that something was going on within them. It may be some form of insecurity such that they think that by making people fit into how they expect people to be, they would feel safe and their sense of wholeness will be enhanced. Most of their actions came from the ego, the false sense of self they have identified with.

One of the ladies I mentioned is of a marriageable age and is one the society may tell, “Your time is going.” This may be giving the lady some kind of unease especially if she believes the voice saying this. But by being negative, she is hardly bringing in the good things that she craves into her life. In fact, being negative is pushing away the favours that may be coming to her. She may be unhappy because she is not getting the “good things” she wants.

But does external things really make one happy? “I will be happy when I get a first degree,” “I will be happy when I get a job,” “I will be happy when I get married”… Stop. Look around you. There are graduates of higher institutions without a job and they do not seem happy. There are employees whose jobs are not giving them satisfaction and they are ready to resign because they have had it. There are married people whose marriages seem more like hell. For you to expect something or somebody in future to make you happy is an illusion. That is an illusory expectation. External things can give you pleasure but this pleasure will be brief. They cannot permanently satisfy you. It is not when you get things that you become happy; it is when you are happy that things happen. So, by being negative, you are driving far away from you those things you expect to make you happy even though they really cannot make you happy. Having those things may be fine but see them as what they are – external things that come and go. They are transients.

Below is my video on the topic.

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